Stop Living For Others — They’re Not Even Looking

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I’m a sensitive, geeky nerd, and I always have been. I love fantasy fiction, video games, anime, astronomy, history, and philosophy. I don’t like sports, parties, or small talk.

For most of my life, I felt guilty for who I was, because I didn’t want or enjoy what “normal” people wanted and enjoyed:

I didn’t want a “sensible career” in some STEM field; I wanted to tell stories through writing, art, and music
I didn’t care about designer clothes and luxury cars; I got far more enjoyment at a fraction of the price through books and video games
I didn’t like shouting nonsense to strangers over loud music at parties; I liked talking to people about life in dim coffee shops

At the same time, I was a lonely young person who wanted to feel loved.

In college, that meant emulating people who had what I thought I lacked: style, confidence, and competence. I started studying how to “dress for success,” how to charm women with Machiavellian dating tactics, and how to build an Instagram profile that would make me seem interesting and attractive.

Nothing worked. The more I tried to be “normal,” the more I hated my life. On my darkest days, I wondered if death was better than failing at life.

When I looked at my peers and my idols, I wondered how they could so effortlessly be “normal” while I struggled with even the most basic aspects of fitting in.

I started to resent the gap between me and who I thought I was supposed to be, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t cross that abyss — and it seemed to grow wider every day.

I turned my frustration inward. I began to hate myself. I would look in the mirror and vent my rage at my own reflection. I would silence my anger with alcohol. Every once in a while, I’d say or do something to ruin a friendship.

Eventually, in my mid-twenties, I found myself jobless and on the verge of homelessness with a dwindling handful of friends who were still willing to tolerate my bullshit.

Only after losing nearly everything did I begin to create myself, instead of trying to become someone else.

My identity crumbled until I was no longer gazing into an abyss between who I was and who I thought I should be; I had leaped over the edge, and I was plummeting in freefall down a chasm with no end.

That’s when I finally learned how to fly.

Food For Thought

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

How To Train Your Ego

To become yourself, you must slay yourself. You have to let go of everything you think you’re “supposed” to be and instead figure out who the f*ck you want to be.

You have to break some rules, step on some toes, lose some friends, and give up on ideas of “success” that don’t align with the shit you actually want from life.

There’s one huge obstacle, though: your ego. Your ego creates two problems when you’re trying to become yourself:

Your ego hates to be criticized
Your ego hates to be ignored

Of these two challenges, your ego resents the second far more than the first, because at least when it’s being criticized, it’s being seen.

There is only one solution: you must become your own audience.

It’s impossible to please everyone on the planet, because each person has different wants and needs, and most of them aren’t looking at you, anyway.

So, instead of dancing like a circus monkey for the whole world, modify your performance for an audience of one. Focus on living a life that makes you proud. Strive daily to examine yourself.

Mindfulness helps here. Through mindfulness practice, you train your mind to watch your mind, instead of using your mind to watch other people.

But what should you watch for?

Are you regularly doing stuff you enjoy, or are you dancing to impress your tribe?
Are you growing as a person, or are you stagnant?
Are you doing shit that’s scary and difficult, or are you wasting away in your comfort zone and chasing dopamine to alleviate your boredom?

When you become your own audience, you solve the ego problem by giving yourself the attention you were previously seeking from others. As you continue to examine yourself, you’ll slowly start living up to your own standards.

Then, instead of being your own worst critic, you’ll become your own biggest fan.

That’s true success.

Namaste.

Question Of The Week

Who are you? Who do you want to be? How does that differ from who you're "supposed" to be?

Announcements

Creator Strategy Chat (Patreon): This Saturday, April 8 at 11:00 AM EST, members of the Creator Forge on Patreon can join in on a live Creator Strategy Chat in the Discord.
Book Club (Patreon): For this month's book club, we're reading the first half of Republic by Plato. If you're a Patron, you can buy it, read it free, or listen to it free, and then discuss with us in the Discord.
Merch Discount: Until April 8, you can use the discount TOGA to take 20% off all shirts in the merch shop
The Soul Forge Podcast: In my latest podcast, I chatted with my friend Andrew about creativity, philosophy, warrior training, masculinity, stoicism, emotions, metaphysics, personal growth, self improvement and more. Listen here on your favorite podcast platform or watch here on YouTube.
Discover Great Music: I've been on a synthwave kick recently. If you're looking for some lofi synthwave to work, study, and chill, check out my Late Night Space Flight playlist on Spotify

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Hey, I'm Chris

how to train your ego 💀